STERLING GOLD

The SEARCH For W., X., Y., and Z.

I don’t know about you, but I am having a great time watching the world of the rich and famous unfold through the lives of Donald Sterling, Shelly Sterling, V. Stiviano, and Magic Johnson. The key player here is a misunderstood octogenarian, Donald, who showed his true colors by coming out to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, a gay reporter, seemingly without throwing a single gay slur into the mix. As someone much closer to octogenarian than millennial, I was thrilled to see that Donald still has enough left in the tank to keep his thoughts about gay folks to himself during a lengthy interview.

This is not to say that the interview went smoothly – Donald, a noted slumlord with a penchant for white only tenants, decided to opine that rich Jewish folks do a much better job of taking care of their own than rich black folks. This was in the context of questioning what Magic Johnson, a noted basketball icon and a rich black guy who happens to be HIV positive, was doing for his less fortunate black brethren other than spreading his seed across the land. It was a new low point for Donald, who was now picking a specific prominent black person to insult instead of the more generic entire race he had previously insulted. (I have to admit that I was hoping that Oprah was next on his list, followed by Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods.)

Perhaps most importantly, the perverse drift of this response from Donald threw the erstwhile Anderson Cooper off his stride, so he never got around to asking my big question – “So Donald, having done V., do you have W., X., Y., and Z. lined up yet?” This would have been kind of a trick question, a test if you will. If Donald got them in the right order, it seems we would be able to rule out dementia. But the question was never asked, leaving dementia right up there as a real possibility.

Meanwhile, another octogenarian, Barbara Walters, made us proud by conducting interviews with the aforementioned V. and Shelly without a stumble. Score another one for the octogenarian set. Barbara was great, and it was a great moment for ABC News. And V. was spectacular, saying absolutely nothing of even the remotest news value to the seemingly interested Barbara. V., it turns out, is a highly paid “archivist” for whom selling her body seemed only of passing interest to her or Barbara. Barbara was anticipating a tough time pronouncing “archivist,” so she never asked my question – “You’ve got to be kidding me, an ‘archivist’ – what do you wear when archiving?”

After V.’s gripping narrative, even less came from the Shelly interview, except that she thinks Donald is losing his marbles and that she hopes that he loses them before he loses all of his/her money. As an added note, Shelly said next to nothing about A. through U., although it was pretty clear she had about had it with Donald. W. could put her over the top.

You are thinking – what more can there possibly be to this sordid affair that Barbara and Anderson have not uncovered. Anderson asked the same question at CNN and begged to be able to go find the missing schoolgirls or even the missing plane. Instead, he was sent back out to interview Magic Johnson, who proceeded to lower his stock significantly by taking the bait and then trying to sound like he was both above the fray and deeply engaged in the black man’s struggle for equality in America. The good news for Donald from this interview was Magic’s assertion that he would pray for Donald, giving Donald perhaps a glimmer of hope that he actually would be able to get it up for W., X., Y., and Z.. While Magic was wallowing in his faith, Anderson was thinking that maybe the missing girls and the missing plane are together somewhere, a Pulitzer worthy find.

Then, in a move most vile, Shelly shows up again, this time to be interviewed by Savannah Guthrie of NBC News and Today Show fame. The only excitement here was the possibility that Barbara would show up on the set and rip Savannah’s eyes out. Savannah is big but Barbara is quick for her age, so it might have been a cat fight worth watching.

I wish I could find some hidden meaning in all of this beyond the obvious – our major media outlets always seem to find a way to pander to the lowest common denominator. Apparently, feeding ignorance is far more profitable and far less taxing than trying to overcome it. It bears noting that Fox News has not been out front on this story. I called to ask why and was told that their A-list staff is busy on a breaking news exclusive – they have grainy video showing a tall black male and a tall black woman presumed to be Magic and Michelle (you know which one) together in a hotel in Benghazi while the embassy burned. Stay tuned – Anderson, Barbara, and Savannah are all headed back to Donald for his take on this.