I AM HERE TO HELP…
I am a former federal prosecutor, an attorney, a former frequent flyer, and well over 60 years old. This alone should get me into somebody’s green room as a serious senior analyst and commentator on both the search for the missing plane and the future of Ukraine. But there is so much more – I have been to Malaysia, Ukraine, Russia, Georgia, Kazakhstan, China, and Thailand and perhaps most importantly, I have flown over the Indian Ocean. Further, I am an American, which, if you believe most of the other analysts, makes me more of an expert on just about anything than everybody else out there.
CNN, the Malaysian Government, the Russian Government and the Ukrainian Government all seem to have run out of answers. I just saw a non-pilot guy on CNN in a flight simulator somewhere in the US with a pretend pilot who likely has never been to Malaysia or seen the Indian Ocean in person talking at length about what it would be like to be flying out there when their fake transponder gave out. Now if they can do that, I, who have both been to Malaysia and flown over the Indian Ocean, can tell you that if the real transponder had gone out during my flight, I would have been unaware of it and would have remained in my aisle seat, sipping a Jack Daniels, getting ready to try to sleep.
What does this add to the ongoing investigation of the flight’s mysterious disappearance, you ask? Try not to forget that I am a former federal prosecutor, an attorney and an American. I can give you a unique perspective, as someone who has been there geographically, about the direction that the investigation of actual passengers would take if the Malaysians would only allow the Americans to take over the investigation. As an attorney, I could add useful legal insight for passenger families planning lawsuits against everything Malaysian in US courts that could arise from transponder failure and virtually any other unfounded speculative cause. Remember, I have personally investigated things and personally filed lawsuits.
As for Ukraine, I may have even more to offer. I have looked a lot of Ukrainians and Russians in the eye and can tell you that they are fine folks who like their vodka. In fact, it seems to me that way too little has been said about vodka in discussing this crisis. However, since I don’t drink much vodka, I will leave this part to others who have more experience and return to my comfort zone. As a former federal prosecutor who has been in both countries, I can tell you that both the Russians and Ukrainians drive a hard bargain and that a negotiated resolution could be hard to come by. As an American who has been there, I can add first hand insight into the Ukrainian and Russian mindset – Putin, the Russians, and the Ukrainians don’t care what Americans think about them. All are secure in the belief that their women are better looking than ours, and that is enough for all of them. I wish them the best and when booked on CNN, I promise to go against the analyst tide and to use my profound understanding of the region to support our President’s decision to avoid armed conflict.
Finally, in case you were wondering, the plane is in Kazakhstan somewhere, not China or Thailand or even the Indian Ocean. I know this because I have been to all of these places, and Kazakhstan feels right. Most of the country is steppe and desert way big enough to land a 777. Think of this, the place is the size of Western Europe with a population density of around 15 folks per square mile. Since there are quite a few square miles in Kazakhstan with a least a hundred folks or so, there must be a lot of empty square miles where you could land a plane, and no one would be there to make a report to Malaysian authorities or raise any issues with Putin. CNN, MSNBC, CBS, Comedy Central, let the bidding begin – I am here to help.